What to Say—and What Not to Say—to Kids Experiencing Loss

It can be difficult to know what to say to those experiencing a crisis, and whether what you say is helping the person cope—but there’s no need to wing it.

To foster conversations that help accelerate individuals’ natural healing, experts at the Behavioral Health Institute at Children’s Hospital Los Angeles encourage parents, caregivers, and children to apply a helpful framework known as psychological first aid. 

Psychological first aid, like medical first aid, is intended to be broadly accessible to people impacted by a crisis. In widespread emergencies, like the recent L.A. wildfires, many of your friends, neighbors, your child’s peers, and even your own family might be facing various types of loss simultaneously. 

“The goal of psychological first aid is to equip adults, as well as older kids, to understand likely reactions and how to help others heal,” says Karen Rogers, PhD, Clinical Psychologist at CHLA. “Just like medical first aid, you don't need medical credentials to provide psychological first aid to someone.”

Here are nine guidelines for psychological first aid:

1. Be observant and aware.

“In a crisis, it’s important to be aware that children, adults, family members, and colleagues are going through something really difficult,” says Dr. Rogers. “That has a significant impact on people's well-being and coping.”

Being aware of the signs of when someone might need support is the first step. For children, this might manifest as an increase in negative behaviors, like irritability and tantrums. It’s common for children and teens to act younger when they’re under a lot of stress. You might notice that your child even engages in play that mimics the stressful event, because play is an important way for them to express themselves and their worries.

However, it's not always obvious that someone needs additional support. Dr. Rogers explains that the other part of this step is preparing to open the conversation with a question that invites some explanation and exploration rather than one that might garner an automatic “I’m fine” response.

What to say: 

• What has this been like for you? 
• What are you feeling right now?

Avoid saying: 

• How are you?

2. Make a connection.

Help the person feel comfortable and at ease.

“You want to make sure that the person you’re talking to feels like they have some kind of a connection with you,” Dr. Rogers says. “That can range from finding a common interest, like a love of dogs, to just smiling and using nonverbal signals to let them know that you’re a safe person who cares.”

What to say: 

• I see the _____ on your shirt! Are you a fan?

Avoid saying: 

• You’re strong, I could never do _____.

3. Be kind, calm, and compassionate.

Taking the time to truly connect with and listen to someone is much more difficult when everyone is experiencing widespread stress. “As overwhelmed as you may feel, you want to avoid rushing, and approach these conversations with calmness and compassion,” says Dr. Rogers.

You might also be working through strong emotions yourself. Let the person you’re talking to know that it’s okay to feel overwhelmed by emotions.

What to say: 

• Tell me more about what makes _____ special. 
• You’re not making me cry, I’m just sad about what happened, just like you.

Avoid saying: 

• But you’re so lucky you’re safe/you still have _____!

4. Assist with basic needs.

In a widespread crisis, many people in your community might have unmet basic survival needs. It doesn’t hurt to check in on whether the person has access to things like shelter, food, and something to drink.

“It can be really frustrating if somebody's like, ‘Tell me about your feelings!’ when I don't know where I'm sleeping tonight or I haven't eaten since yesterday,” says Dr. Rogers. “We want to attend to those basic needs first.”

What to say:  

• Have you had something to eat today?  
• Can I get you a glass of water? 
• Do you know where you’re going to be sleeping tonight?

Avoid saying:

• Aren’t you thrilled to be missing school?

5. Be prepared to listen.

Pause and give the person you’re talking to space, time, and attention to express what’s on their mind. Listening is one of the most time-consuming components of psychological first aid—and one of the most critical.

“Often we listen while waiting for our turn to talk or looking for the trigger for the next thing we’re going to say,” says Dr. Rogers. She encourages people to instead show that they’re paying attention by repeating back some of the things the person said. “This also allows you to check for understanding.”

What to say: 

• It sounds like you’re saying what you’re really worried about is…

Avoid saying: 

• I know exactly how you’re feeling.
• Don’t be mad, it’s nobody’s fault.

6. Provide realistic reassurance.

Depending on where your community is in its disaster response, it might not make sense to tell a child that everything will be OK if there are still realistic threats.

Instead, Dr. Rogers encourages people to give realistic reassurance:
“I like to find talking points about what I might say to somebody about the situation. We also want to have these conversations in a developmentally appropriate manner. How we would reassure a teenager or an adult would be very different than what we would say to a preschooler or younger child.”

What to say:

• We have a lot of firefighters here on the ground with the best equipment. 
• Today the fires are 60% contained and the red flag warning has been lifted.
• We’re safe here at [location].

Avoid saying: 

• Everything is going to be OK.

7. Encourage good coping.

We want to help people utilize their own natural coping strategies rather than trying to teach them something new to implement under times of great stress.

What to say:

• What helps you feel better when you’re scared or upset?

Avoid saying: 

• You’re playing way too many video games right now.
• Stop crying, be a good girl.
• You should try meditating.

8. Help people connect.

One of the best things you can do for someone in crisis is to help increase their social support. Help them identify a family member, friend, teammate, or teacher they can turn to and talk about their experience.

“In times of stress, people tend to want to pull back and kind of hunker down,” says Dr. Rogers, “and that's not always the best coping mechanism. We know that people do better in difficult times when they have social support.” She adds that especially during stressful situations, the person might need a few reminders or extra encouragement.

What to say: 

• Who can you talk to about what you’re going through right now?

Avoid saying: 

• Just tell me what you need.

9. Give accurate and timely information.

This is slightly different from realistic reassurance. Focus on what is happening right now and what might come next. This might also be an opportunity to encourage them to share what they know, think, or fear so that you can properly correct misconceptions or inaccuracies—especially for younger children.

What to say: 

• There’s no longer an evacuation order for your house, but your family might choose to stay in [location] a little longer to be sure the air in your neighborhood is safe to breathe.

Avoid saying: 

• Did you see this footage of your neighborhood on TikTok?

Support when it’s needed most

Dr. Rogers encourages those applying psychological first aid to ensure they’re checking in with themselves regularly, prioritizing their own self care, and seeking support when needed.

“Psychological first aid is not highly technical,” Dr. Rogers says, reminding us that this type of care is not meant to last hours or days, and that taking a few minutes to simply listen and connect with someone experiencing loss can make a huge difference in their healing.

“This is one human talking with another human, helping them feel supported, and helping them tap into their natural resilience.”